“There’s still a wallet.” said Mark holding up a tattered clump of leather. “Although it’s pretty gross, covered with decaying flesh and blood and all.” He held it up higher into the light, “I’m almost certain that this is an eyeball.” He said poking the thing that was hanging from one corner with his gloved finger. He peeled the leather apart and pulled out a card. "And we have an I.D." he said satisfied. "It looks like David Whelington or Whelsmen, Helingham maybe." He furrowed his brow and squinted at the bloody piece of plastic. After a few minutes of squinting he decided that his efforts were futile and dumped the I.D. into an evidence bag. This would be sent to the lab and deciphered by a super computer which was far better at reading illegible writing than he was. He stuck his hand back into the clump of decaying flesh and cloth, around the victim's pelvis, and was able to get samples of his pants, shirt, and some still good flesh.
"How can you touch that?" asked Matt the new guy. "I mean it's might be some guys eye AND YOU POKE IT and if that wasn't enough you stick your hand into his PELVIS why not his face or leg or something HIS PELVIS?" he said his eyes wide with disgust. His eyes went blank for a second then his voice, barely above a whisper, broke the compunction that came with the silence that had fallen over the room, "I know how he died." Matt you see could see the past. He might be squeamish but he was definitely useful at a crime scene. He actually saw what happened, so that they knew what to look for making their jobs a whole lot easier. His eyes returned to their previously blank state and he started talking in a monotone.
His name is David Whelihan otherwise known as Kyle Ray. He was a deftly famous singer, actor, all around broudwayish kind of guy. He first went missing from his home twenty years ago. The newspaper headline read "THE RAY OF KYLE RAY SNUFFED". Everyone thought he ran away from his life of stardom for a more relaxing lifestyle. In reality he had been kidnapped by a crazed fanatic. They forced him to perform private, diurnal concerts and he did so night after night hopping that one day he would be set free. He never lamented once even though they never carried a gun and it was a malignant little girl so she wasn't very intimidating but her intelligence far surpassed his. He became a recluse after months being pinioned in that room. One day he refused to perform. She didn't feed him for a week while he came to abhor him more and more. Her clout over him was now so strong that whenever she would return he would sing as long as she wanted. Each day he managed to free his hands a little more until one day he got his left hand out which enabled him to emancipate his right. He stood up and went to the door. He turned the door handle and flung the door open but there the little girl stood unheralded with her arms crossed frowning. He backed away from her slowly she matched each of his steps menacingly. With his back finally against a bulwark he sank to his knees and begged for his life. She denied his claim and threshed him with her own two fists until dead. She dragged him out of the room on a blanket so as not trail leave a trail of blood anywhere else. She dumped the body in the abandoned bovine barn across the street and returned to bleach the room. She doesn't live their any more, nobody does. The house was said to be haunted with the ghost of Kyle Ray. No one of course believes that but it has sat there abandoned for at least eight years now. I can't seem to find her name but I can see another headline. It reads "CRAZED FAN RUES MURDERING THREE ACTORS AND IS SENTENCED TO DEATH BY LETHAL INJECTION" so I assume she is either dead or about to die. I can't see anyone abetting her so she worked alone.
His eyes snapped back into focus and he looked at his partners. They had all moved closer with their arms crossed. "So the killer is already in jail?" Michaela asked the disappointment on her face clearly showing. She was one of the few forensic anthropologist who got the thrill from finally getting the murderer behind bars rather than finding the clues as he colleagues did.
"Seems that way." Matt answered and he shrugged which showed he could be of no further assistance.
Mark cleared his throat, "We should bring him back to the coroner so that he can have a proper burial for his family." All four of them went around and got all the things necessary to move the body and let the rest of their team pack everything up. Michaela and Marisol moved the remains into a body bag. Mark and Matt placed the body bag on a gurney and pushed it out to the coroners van. Michaela gave the ok on the whole site and closed the back door to the van. The four of them stood together and watched the van pull away before they dispersed into their separate cars and drove off into the sunset back towards Springfield and their homes and families.
6 comments:
1. The main conflict of the story was that the crime scene investigators were trying to find out who killed the dead body that they were observing. It is an external conflict. It was resolved when one of the CSI men had a vision which revealed who murdered the person and how they did it. I was very invested into the resolution of the story because it tells how I die. :-P It doesn't get any more dramatic than that (Note that I did give her my permission to kill me [Did I really just say that...]).
2. The main characters didn't really change in this story because it takes place over the course of just a few minutes, and it would take something very life-changing and harsh to change people completely, as people, in just a few minutes. The main epiphany in this story was when the man had the vision into the past and discovered the answers to all of their questions. It was very important to the story because without it the CSI people would have been left without a culprit.
3. My favorite part of the story was when the perverted crime scene investigator was scolded for reaching his hand into my limp pelvis. For reasons that I do not intend to further investigate, I found that part very funny (Let it be known that had I had a pulse at the time of this intrusion into my personal area I would not have allowed it to proceed). It occured in the rising action.
"...and if that wasn't enough you stick your hand into his PELVIS?! Why not his face or leg or something? HIS PELVIS?"
I found this part quite funny, despite the fact it involved me being violated. :-P
4. The tales best quality is that it's humerous despite the depressing and somewhat disgusting setting it has been placed in. The crime scene investigators are inspecting a body that has been dead for years, yet they manage to be sarcastic, comically unapprosing of certain actions, etc.
5. It was hard for me to figure out the theme of this story. My guess would be that fame is a burden that can often end in tradegy, or, at the very least, have consequences.
The conflict in the story was how the body was killed. It is an external conflict. It was resolved by one of the csi people having a vision about the past and how the body was killed. I don't think the story could have been more dramatic.
The main character changed over the course of the story by learning to listen to those who give you necessities. This is important to the story because without it the guy would been killed for no reason.
My favorite part of the story was the begining of the flash back which was in the rising action."His name is David Whelihan otherwise known as Kyle Ray. He was a deftly famous singer, actor, all around broudwayish kind of guy. He first went missing from his home twenty years ago. The newspaper headline read 'THE RAY OF KYLE RAY SNUFFED'." I liked how she used her vocabulary.
The story's best quality was the description. Espically in the flashback. "They forced him to perform private, diurnal concerts and he did so night after night hopping that one day he would be set free."
The story's theme was that fame isn't always good. The theme was very apparent.
The main thing you should revise is the length of your story because it doesn't allow the character to change because it is so short.
The conflict in the story is the investigators trying to figure out who killed the man. It was an external conflict. The resolution is when Matt figures out that the woman who killed the man is in jail. I was invested in the resolution because the story’s plot was very interesting. Maybe you could add something that happens to the main character to make it more dramatic.
I don’t really think the character change that much over the story because it wasn’t over a long period of time.
My favorite part of the story is in the beginning. My favorite line was; ““Although it’s pretty gross, covered with decaying flesh and blood and all.” He held it up higher into the light, “I’m almost certain that this is an eyeball.” I think it is pretty gross but kind of funny.
The tale’s best quality is the story arch. It makes the reader wonder what is going to happen and makes the story really interesting.
The story’s theme is fame might not be the best thing, although it really isn’t all that clear through the story.
I would work on developing your character and themes before Mr. BG grades it.
THE VOCAB IN HERE!!!!!!
1.)prostrate: adj. face down
I picked this because I wanted it to seem like the person just fell over forwards and was laying there dead.
2.)hemmorrhage: n. masive bleeding
This was to show a brutal beating. A victem must be hit extremly hard to break the skull.
3.)compunction: n. ackward feeling
I wanted it to seem like everyone was on edge waiting to see what his vision had revealed.
4.)deftly: adj. talented
When discribing someone like whelihan words like this are only too necisary.
5.)diurnal: adj. daily
This was to show the torture she performed on him by making him sing night after night after night.
6.)lamented: v. whine
Whelihan was being a good little captive unlike most and it proved him useful because the two times he acted out he got punished and the secondof the two he was killed so....it shows.....be nice to your captives and they will keep you around longer.
7.)malignant: adj. dangerous
I had to get a list of words from Whelihan and I saw thisone and like it but when I looked it up online I saw that it said in the definition "often causes death" and just had to use it to describe the little girl.
8.)recluse: n. person shut off from society
This would be whelihan trapped in a cell in some little girl's basment with no contact with the outside world for months.
9.)pinioned: v. shackled
Well yeah he's tied up. hence the sackled.
10.)abhor: v. hate
You would hate your capture to if you weren't fed for a week. :)
11.)clout: n. strong influence
She decided whether he got to eat or starve to death that would greatly influence every decision he made.
12.)emancipate: v. to free
He freed his hand from the shackle.
13.)unheralded: adj. unanounced
He wasn't expecting the little girl to be waiting for him right out side the door and she had made no sound to suggest her presence there.
14.)bulwark: n. hard wall like surface
He's in a cell he couldn't keep backing up forever.
15.)threshed: v. to beat severely
This was stated early thathis death was bt beating and here was a fancy word for beat. :)
16.)bovine: adj. relating to cows
Ok this one was just because I enjoy cows. They are cute and have big noses and I didn't want her to just leave him in the cell so I made her dump him in a barn and whynot make it a cow barn.
17.)rue: v. to regret
She would obviusly regret killing three people if she herself is getting sent to jail and then killed.
18.)abetting: v. to help; aid
It was only this sole little girl who kidnapped and killed three people. No one else helped her.
I'm not sure if these are vocab words or if it's just my vocabulary but in case they are or incase you don't understand them here they are.
19.)precarious: adj. unstable
The floor in the barn was all rotten and so that made it unstable.
20.) enabled: v. to make able or give power
Freeing one hand alows you to free the other so Whelihan takes one hand out then takes the other.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
1.) I would my reader to realize that all those stars out in Hollywood don't have the best lives. There are crazy fans as well as paprazzi and other stalkers. They might not be as insane as my little girl but they are out there.
2.)The flashback I did where Matt is telling Daivd's story was the easiest to write because I knew how I wanted to write it and how I wanted it to sound.
3.)The most difficult to write would have to be the forensic things in the beginning. I was constantly trying to remember the terms that a real forensic anthropologist or a C.S.I. would use. I knew all of this but putting it out on paper was very difficult.
4.)I know that I have horrible grammer and spelling so if theres something wrong do tell. I also wanted to know if it was too gross in the beginning, just right, or not gross enough. Then anything general about my story you liked or didn't would be much apreciated.
1.) The greatest change from the first copy of my story to the final draft is that I added most of the forensics stuff in. There was only a few sentences of them reather tyhan the paragraphs that are there now.
2.) The best editing process is having other people critique my work. I work beter when someone tells me what's wrong. It allows me to make things beter more eficiently.
3.)I think the knowledge and terms about the forensic stuff is the greatest strength but the other seem to think that the drama is the best.
4.)I would say to listen to your peers they know a lot. I would also say pick your vocabulary first because often times it's easier to work around the vocab rather than try and fit it in later.
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